This is the day a change is made

This is the day a change is made

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Inhibition, womens newest four letter word.

Last night, after a particularly grueling day of playing mommy/maid and animal catcher, I decided to go out for a drink ( or four ) with one of my best girl friends. Now, somewhere in between the mimosas and the long islands, I seemed to find a freedom in myself that I rarely see ( one that is more typical to my whiskey nights.... but we wont go there today..) It was a freedom that made me feel beautiful, even though you could see the out-line of my tummy through my shirt. I felt lively even though it just meant dancing like an idiot inside the car. I felt peace from the constant backlash of my  mind and my ream's of  lists and responsibilities as I stood on a bluff and drank a water bottle full of champagne, toasting to the night and all its radiant beauty. I felt so FREE.

Now, grant it, I did wake up this morning with a pounding headache, missing an earring and with a rash somewhere extremely painful from sliding on cement, but as I lay in my agony re-living the night in my mind, I realize it was so TOTALLY WORTH IT. I felt true peace, and happiness for a brief moment last night, because for the first time in a long time, I was actually ALIVE again.
Now, I'm not saying that it was the alcohol that made me feel alive, nor am I condoning massive consumption of it on more then an occasional basis, I am just explaining how the liquid courage made me realize a very important, and hopefully life altering, revelation. If I want to LIVE this life, instead of just existing, periodically awakening for a few moments, just to fall back into the deep sleep that has consumed my soul lately, I must LOSE  my inhibitions!! *Que the angelic chorus... she's got it!!!*

Now the definition of inhibition is as follows....
a.the blocking or holding back of one psychological process by another.
b.inappropriate conscious or unconscious restraint or suppression of behavior,  often due to guilt or fear produced by past punishment, or sometimes considered a dispositional trait.
 Now, it really makes no sense to me, why we would feel guilt or fear at the idea of doing something that might enrich our lives, or fill us with joy purely because we took a leap of faith in order to do it. Why do we hold ourselves back, un-able to progress into new and adventurous areas of this life we live? Why should I let my life be defined as someone else's  ideals or beliefs. Why not take the reigns and live by my own?
 So, this is where my list comes in. Ive decided to create a list that will contain numerous things I want to finish by the end of this calendar year. Some of the things are purely selfish, because MY desires should count. And some of the items are self-LESS. Because, we all know when you in this world, some day, some how, it ends up coming back to you four-fold. I reserve the right to change/ alter this list at any time, under the conditions that, A. If I alter anything it must be BENEFICIAL to the list, and B. If  I cant find a definite solution to one list item, I must replace it with TWO. 

I feel as if I have a new lease on life, thinking of all the wonderful things I wish to do. I  intend to write about all my experiences, and hope that maybe my inspiration can be shared, or at least somewhat inspiring. 

Lets give this a shot!

List of exhibitionism. 

1. Spend 100 hours volunteering. Learn to live without judgement

2. Dance freely in a public place. Learn to be silly.

3. Sit alone in a library or book store all day. Learn to embrace the quiet. Revel in it.

4. Take 10,000 pictures. Learn to find beauty daily.

5.Volunteer at a beach clean-up. Learn to love my earth.

6.Lose 50lbs. Learn to be healthy.

7. Skinny-dip. Learn to embrace myself no matter how I look on the out-side.

8. Plant a garden. Learn to cultivate patience.

9. Learn enough of a foreign language to hold a conversation. Learn to speak my mind.

10.Para-sail off an ocean cliff. Learn to let go of things holding me down.

11. Learn how to pole-dance. Learn how to let others opinions leave me unfazed.
12.Get another tattoo. Learn to remember that beauty almost always comes after pain.

13.Reads 100 books. Learn to broaden my horizons.

14. Learn an instrument, just to be cool.

15.Start driving. Learn what freedom feels like.

16.Pose nude. Learn to be sexy.

17.Sing in a public place. Learn to raise my voice

18. Write about everything. Learn about who I truly wish to be.....



Sunday, March 6, 2011

The point of it all.

Its 7:06 a.m. and I have been awake for three hours, sitting in the dark pondering life and trying (Futilely) to will my brain into quiet submission. But you can now tell how well that worked out for me. I decided to attack the issue that has been waking me up daily at exactly 4:44, in the hopes that maybe, after I find happiness, I can also find sleep once more....So, here goes.

 I used to know EXACTLY who I was. Self-confident, self assured almost to a fault. I was the one who had a rock-solid plan, I had my (somewhat crooked ) head on as straight as it could possible go. Now, I sit here, with the ambient glow of the computer screen as my only source of lighting, staring at an empty email in-box, a blank facebook page and I wonder to myself, when exactly did I lose my so called "life". When did I seem to morph into this empty shadow of a thing that bends every which way the wind blows?

 I can't seem to pin-point an exact moment, time or location of my tragic loss.. Nor can I find a person or thing to lay blame on. I think I just because so complacent that I completely lost sight of every long term goal that I personally had, Instead focusing solely on the "here and now" of it all.

  But I realize, the one thing I know with utter certainty, is, in order for one to progress, one must first dream. And in order to dream, you must show a small flicker of desire. Now, the only problem with THAT right now seems to be, that I am so lost I cant even remember what I like/dislike/love or hate. I have to re-discover the very notions that make up, well... ME.

So, that is what I will be aiming for in this blog. My best discoveries have come from reading or writing all the crazy things that go on in my mind. Now, I have decided to share them with whoever has enough curiosity to read this ( and enough of a boring life to stick with me lol ). You guys will hold me accountable. My journey is far from lost, It just took a slight detour. Now, whose down for a road-trip... :)